I haven't written a new entry since 2019. I've had a lot on the go, as I know many of you out there have as well. In fact, it's the number one thing I've heard in response to any displeasure I've voiced about what's going on in the world..."everyone is struggling with this pandemic". I personally detest this kind of response to any kind of feeling or emotion expressed by someone. Does it make me feel better to know that others are struggling? No. Does it provide any comfort to me or make me feel less alone in my thoughts and feelings? No. It's one of those blanket statements people say when they don't know what else to say, such as "it'll happen when you least expect it", or "everything happens for a reason". It all sounds ok in theory, but it doesn't really address anything concrete, and what I feel left with after those kind of statements is a larger feeling of emptiness, a lack of connection, a lack of feeling. I am not writing this entry to complain, I'm writing this because I want to send out a virtual hug to anyone that needs it, which I presume is pretty much everyone. What I really needed this last year was a hug, multiple hugs with genuine intention.
2020 came in like a tornado of cow shit, and that shit is still all over everyone's faces. For anyone who knows me or has read anything I've written, I cry pretty openly and am pretty in tune with my emotions. For months, I really didn't know what to do with myself. I lost everything I felt I had worked hard for, and was left alone for months in my house, once again facing all of my demons. Let me tell you, it was SOOOOO much fun! And that, was sarcasm. I felt resentful towards my friends and family with partners and children whom they could be with day to day. I had been in a relationship and was let down immensely, not because it ended per se, but because once again I had allowed myself to trust and love someone that was simply not worthy of my time or my love. A person who could disregard other humans for his own self gain and preservation. I was disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen again, however, it was also an excellent opportunity for me to do some serious work on why I'm drawn to this type of person, and how to avoid it in the future. I remained alone for months, and had a lot of truly enjoyable moments, and some very low moments as well. I can say proudly, I am far on the other side of that, and feel the most comfortable with myself I've ever felt. I simply don't want to waste another second of my time ever trying to convince anyone of my worth. I will never again be in a situation that I feel I am not valued or cherished for the fucking goddess I am :). I feel cocky writing that, but also, own that shit, be proud of who you are and don't ever settle for less from yourself or anyone else. Am I perfect? Hell no. BUT, I am a pretty amazing person when I choose to be around the right people. Who are the RIGHT people? The people that support you as you support them. The people that don't use you. The people that can communicate with empathy and warmth. The people that want the very best for you, and do not do anything other than stand by and cheer you on. I've been vacant at times to my own friends and family, feeling I was in a hole I had to get myself out of without much energy to offer support to others. That's when the isolation sets in, and it can be unhealthy, but sometimes also needed for a period of time, at least for me.
I think a lot of people think others have it figured out, and I know it's ignorant and futile for me to envy others that are living a life I think is exactly what I want. People have written me and say how happy I look, and I have to be honest because I'd be a liar if I wasn't, pictures can capture anything you want. I can have the biggest smile on my face, and most of the times it's genuine because I am a pretty happy person, but what you don't see if me laying in bed for hours crying by myself, feeling like I'll never have someone solid or standup enough by my side and I'll die alone with 10 dogs that will eat my body once I've been rotting in the kitchen for a month. But then I just think, if that did happen, I'd be dead anyway, so I wouldn't care. Ok, this has gone to a really dark place, hahah, and that wasn't my intention. I like dark humour. The point is, so many people are struggling. I have always felt, and written about before, that one of the main reasons people are in mental pain is a lack of community or connection, and this is even more apparent with this pandemic because all of a sudden communities have been shut down. Individuals that rely on going to a food court to have a coffee and see their acquaintance while talking about the weather, imagine that simple event being removed and the impact of that seemingly simple event no longer existing. Instead of seeing a friendly face for coffee, Bob, in his late 60's, stays at home and doesn't have any other human connections. He longs to be in the presence of another human. This is one example, but what a lot of people have been experiencing is stress, loss, disconnect, and a looming depressive state of not knowing what the future holds. We want answers when there are no easy answers.
My answer to my own pit of discomfort was a few things. I reached out a lot to friends that think the same way I do, that were able to communicate not on a level of pity but discussion that fuels the mind in a positive way. I opened myself up to speak with strangers through my own social media, to hopefully provide some comfort. I did some foster care work. I then went on a massive road trip alone, with no real intentions. I had some AMAZING times, and some times that made me question what the hell I was doing, but I really came out on top because I haven't allowed myself to lose myself even once. I felt pain, but I accepted it, felt it, and moved on, letting go of some things I really needed to let go of. It's a mission. It can't be dealt with by drinking, or fucking away the pain or discomfort you feel, you just have to feel it, and be alone. For me, that was my answer. I feel stronger for it. I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life, but I know one thing, human connections with solid people are what I will always move towards and accept. So, for all of you, or anyone who may read this, you are alone, and it doesn't have to suck. And I offer you a hug that I can't physically give you, but you can literally or metaphorically give yourself. Take care, and know there is ALWAYS at least one person who will give a shit about you, yourself. xoxo