I don't know where my home is anymore.
For the longest time it was with my family and friends in the city I was born. Then I was away from home for longer periods of time, my sister moved away, my dad died, and I left my house. Pieces of what was were like icebergs floating away from me leaving me on my own berg floating aimlessly. I feel like I don't have a home. I love my mom more than anyone but she has her husband and their home and I'm still floating. And I'm on a plane staring out a window intermittently sobbing, sitting beside a very attractive man, sobbing. It's these moments when I feel undone, like I'm just pouring out, only there's nothing to pour into but myself, and this writing and this song that I'm listening to on repeat. I'm flying back to work, back to a place I currently feel uneasy in but I'm going to stay because I have priorities and a plan. A plan to make money and take some time, time in which I will have something to pour myself into.
Experiences and people that I will surround myself with to either push or pull me into the next direction, whether good or bad. I want to feel something different. I'm ready for that. But I still feel uneasy. And this feeling, comes from connection, or lack there of. I remember in one of my high school yearbooks a guy graduating wrote in his life goals section, to be anywhere but here. This particular guy was an artist in a small town. A town with little room to grow or learn what he may have been yearning for. A lack of connection. When I left that same town I found, at times, people and places which made me feel connected. I'm not just talking about people or places that I had a good time with, but places that made me feel like myself. People I could tell a joke to and they'd respond with laughter, or better yet, a joke playing off of my joke so we could keep playing together. This is when I feel at home. This is when I'm myself. That connection. This is why I think I am writing this blog. And why moms who are on maternity leave start blogs, in an effort to connect when feeling isolated.
*I wrote everything above two months ago. Two months later I'm in a similar mind frame. Restless, irritable, and feeling empty. And annoyed as hell that I think so much and wish I could function more like a lot of men seem to, to think with more logic and less emotion. But here I am. I'm feeling empty because in this life that I'm in that I love in some ways, I find heartbreaking in others. I want to consistently see and experience new things, but I also long for stability and familiarity. I have these brief moments with people or places, where I feel safe and happy and loved and content, and as quickly as that comes about, I have to leave it. And it's getting to me. I want a chance to get to know someone. To not have to leave the laughter and contentment of his presence to be alone working. I love feeling satisfied with my own company and ability to create new surroundings consistently, but I also miss the feeling of being close with someone else. And I get a taste and have to spit it out and run away. I want it all.