Getting over someone.
Lately I’ve been asked to answer questions about how to get over bad breakups, and I’m going to combine that with toxic people in general. We ALL know the type: people that make little needling comments, people that project their insecurities onto you, people that you feel don’t support you or who you are. And to be honest, I’ve been toxic to some people in my life when I wasn’t in the best place. But here’s the thing, when I feel I am treated poorly, I feel it is my job to set this person straight. To make sure they apologize or acknowledge the wrongs they have done to me. And that, is not my job, and it’s a waste of my time. That’s their job, and their job doesn’t concern you. This is all about YOU and what YOU can do for yourself.
When you’re on the rocks with someone and it’s not looking good, this is when you really need to think about what this person is giving you that you’re holding onto. Sometimes we may have to continue dealing with this person because they’re your boss or coworker, or your partner’s mother. So we have to figure out ways in which we interact with them in a way that can be as healthy as possible.
But when this person is a friend or a partner, and you can feel in your gut that this person is not giving you what you need or want, you need to separate yourself as swiftly and cleanly as possible. Side note, I sometimes go on this insta page about narcaccists, and it’s interesting because all the comments are like “I tried to get rid of him but I can’t” or “I really want to contact my ex, but he will hurt me, what do I do?” And I read those comments and think, god, pull yourself together man. But I have done the same thing (although I’ve never vocalized it on a forum). So here are the steps I tell myself, which I refuse to do most times to my own detriment. But I believe in you 💕.
Step 1: stop crying about it. He or she is not valuable to you, you’re wasting your time crying over someone that is ok with you crying over them, if they weren’t ok with it, they’d be there with you making you smile. Step 2: Cut off all social media, telephone contact, delete pics. Step 3: focus on what YOU want in YOUR life. What you’re going to give yourself because at the moment, no one else is going to be there for you to do the things you maybe got here and there, like hugs, or affirmations. You should do that for yourself on a daily basis anyway. Step 4: keep reminding yourself of the reasons you are not with that person. Don’t glorify the relationship just because you’re sad and lonely, look back at positive moments when you’re in a healthier space.
Things I stay away from are numbing my feelings with booze or other men that might be a distraction. I think to have a healthy separation you need to go thru the tough times alone and sober, and you’ll see it won’t last nearly as long as if you handled it in an unhealthy way.
All of these steps apply to a toxic coworker or friend as well, on a smaller scale. What I do is sit down with my thoughts and evaluate what I feel went wrong, what my part in that was, how I’d like to change my approach moving forward, and if I really don’t care for the person, limit my interactions with that person as much as I can, while still remaining polite and cordial so no one is the wiser. The less conflict for me, the better.
The final step is to yell and scream at the prick and tell him he’s wasted your life. JUST KIDDING. The final step, is finally feeling content on your own when you realize you’re enjoying small things, like making dinner by yourself. Or sleeping in bed and spreading your legs out to the cool spots. There are pros and cons to relationships so appreciate when you do have them, and cry all the time when you’re single until you find someone as codependent as you. JUST KIDDING. Being single has such opportunity for personal growth and self love. 💕💕💕💕