Past, Current, Future
It’s the 10 year anniversary of when I left my engagement and the country to which I had moved for said relationship, Australia. I’ve spent years battling what happened to me there. It was emotionally traumatic but not something that I would imagine would affect me so much, and for so long. I have spent the last ten years rejecting positive relationships and engaging in negative ones, or ones I knew would never last. It was a simple process but a process that appeared complicated to me and got away from me for the most part. I let myself feel lost and alone and unworthy at times. Even though I know my worth, I pressured myself wondering why I wasn’t married and why I wasn’t able to find love. I gave a tremendous amount of weight to the influence of one person. One person that wasn’t worth my time to begin with. I think, upon years of reflection, that the weight I gave the situation wasn’t because of him, but because of the loss of control I felt. Power, and control fascinate me. The need for it, and what occurs when we perceive losing it. I remember very clearly my teenage years and into my 20’s when everything was new and exciting. Everything was right in front of me and I grabbed it all. I had limited fear. I didn’t think about my weight, or wrinkles, or where I should be. I was just there. I wasn’t always satisfied. I spent hours alone at night writing, painting (poorly), listening to music, smoking, sobbing. I think I enjoyed feeling deeply, and feeling deeply at that time to me meant lamenting. I talked with others who seemed to feel the same. Thinking, growing, learning. I travelled to Europe and had countless experiences connecting with people. I cared less about museums and more about the people and experiences I was having. I hung out all night with homeless people. I swam naked in forbidden places. I danced until daylight. I had passionate short lived love with brief boyfriends. Eventually, I began to live a more conventional life. I bought a house. I got a degree. And I started working. And then as I got older, there were less of these like minded people around me. I had less excitement. People I knew died. My father died. And all of a sudden I think everything came to a head and I feared time and death, and this loss of control. Everything raged its way out of me in a gruesome destructive way. And I’m not going to say it was beautiful because I now see the other side, because it wasn’t. I understand that I had to go down to either find my way out or sink further.
My early 20’s reminded me of the Dr. Seuss book “Oh, the places you’ll go”. I recall some teenagers with cool parents getting that as a high school graduation gift. It suggests all the promise that awaits you. I think things shift at a certain age and I’m now struggling with that and fighting it because I’m not “where I should be”. Whatever that means. I know I don’t have to fall into this stereotypical life, but I find it is sometimes at the base of my decisions whether I’m consciously aware or not.
All of this being said, I am in an amazing phase of my life at the moment. I had been lamenting again, and while those close to me were worried (including myself at times), I know myself enough to know if I go down, it is only to get back with new clarity. To challenge myself in new ways, to say a collective “fuck you” to all the shit that isn’t working for me, and to allow myself and only myself to change it. For the past while, I have consistently felt that I have made this positive shift. My goal with this blog is to write for myself, and maybe one day others will see it and find some value in my experiences.