• Jenna Mac

Wine Drunk Sober

Wine drunk for me instigates intense sentimental nostalgia. I typically discuss or contemplate my future based on whimsical nostalgia and longing. Wine intoxication is opposed to say, vodka drunk, which may involve me flashing my chest to my girlfriends throughout the night. Lately I’ve been having these wine drunk feelings, sans wine, and I have to say, sober “wine drunk” feelings, are far superior to the drunken state of similar feelings I am privy to feeling.

I haven’t been consuming alcohol lately. I have been exercising more regularly, drinking more water, and trying to eat better. One of the main results of this change is that my thoughts can be just as intense, but now feel clear, focused, and useful. I am more able to put my thoughts and ideas into action, because I’m not hungover for three days.

Excessive alcohol consumption impacts our limbic system, said to be the emotional center of our brain. Alcohol impacts on our limbic system disrupt our emotional regulation and our emotions may become distorted or exaggerated. When I consume an excessive quantity of alcohol, my emotions progress into the form of whimsy and introspection. Essentially my feelings day to day, feel like my whole world when I am intoxicated. This tells me that my feelings that come out when I’m drinking are at the forefront of most of my thoughts, which is why now that I haven’t been drinking, I’m able to process, dissect, and really feel them from a healthy perspective. A perspective that may actually allow them to develop into something of value. So, these forefront thoughts. They tend to waiver moderately but the central theme remains the same, that I want something more and I’m not sure how to achieve it, primarily because I don’t know what “it” is.

There is no denying that once I have my mind set on something, I go after it, and 8/10 times, I achieve my goal. The major issue I’ve had for the majority of my life is not knowing what the hell I want. I want a lot of things. Some days I want a partner and a child, I want to be close to my parents and siblings, I want to travel the world, to live comfortably, I want a home, a dog, the beach, surfing, a warm climate, a mountain climate, I want to not feel bored, I want to use my intellectual abilities to their full potential and feel satisfied that I’m challenged in that way. As I’m writing this I am acutely aware that I sound like a complete asshole, at least, that’s the way I feel.  Not all people have the ability to dream of possibilities they may actually be able to achieve. So I am mindful of the fact that I have these potential opportunities. I feel like not writing this anymore and saying to myself, fuck, be grateful for what you have and be satisfied with what you’ve achieved. And at the same time, I think the purpose of these thoughts is not to lament on what I don’t have in a world where I have it pretty good, it is to dream of the things that could be possible. To dream big. Isn’t that what life should be about? Being satisfied with what is, but also pushing to get what will help you live the best life possible.

I have a fear that I may spend my whole life alone. I know that I am typically capable of achieving what I want in life, however, I have put effort into finding a healthy relationship for years, unsuccessfully. I may have found it a few times, however, I rejected those healthy relationships. I believe the reason for that is because a relationship is not what I really want, it’s what I think I should want. It may be what I want, but only after other things are in place. And what are these other things? Dreams that I’m able to have because I have avoided or been unable to achieve consistency in my life. I am certain I’m infertile and I always felt if I had been able to conceive, I may be feeling grounded and content. I do know that when I’m in a relationship, one in which I can stand to be around the other person consistently, my attention and focus remains on that consistency, the daily functioning of that relationship, and of my life separate from that relationship, and I feel ok in one place. However single, I’m a wayward crazed woman, discontent in many moments, always searching and longing. I have worked towards coming to a more peaceful place, working on feeling satisfied with the fact that I don’t have to answer to or include anyone in my decision making. It’s all me, and for the most part that feels pretty damn good.

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